First things first: I went to see the allergist, and was lucky enough not to require any unpleasant tests. We believe (that is to say, the doctor believes, and I am willing to believe him) that I am allergic to ACE inhibitors. One of which is the drug Lisinopril, which I was taking for my blood pressure when I had my first, most serious attack. My regular doctor took me off of that one, and I had my second attack exactly 1 month later - to the day, and almost to the hour. The allergist says that they don't know exactly how long it takes for the lisinopril to get out of someone's system, but he feels that this was what caused it. So now I must avoid ACE inhibitors for the rest of my life, and carry an epi-pen with me at all times. Special thanks to Jen for providing me with several of these, thus saving me a bunch of money that I don't have right now.
Then there's tonight.
Tonight I got home from rehearsal and sat down to check FB, and all of a sudden it felt like I was shot out of a cannon from 2010 back to 1987 - 89. A friend (and former girlfriend all those years ago) dug up and posted a ton of pictures from the old days. I started going through them, and all of a sudden I was 18 again. For one thing, I am currently almost 70 pounds heavier than I was 23 years ago. I've also had a beard for probably the last 12 years, so that was different as well. The memories all came flooding back. It's funny, because the bad parts, at least of our relationship, which seemed truly awful when they took place, don't seem so bad now. I've often given the advice to others that time really puts things into perspective, and thinking over this all tonight really brought that home. A boyfriend or girlfriend at 16, 17, 18 years old is deadly serious business - at least, it feels that way then. I remember just wanting to die when it ended. I was hurt, I was angry as hell, I was confused as hell. It sucked. I drank a lot and generally engaged in a lot of stupid, self destructive behavior.
I'm better now.
I'd think of her from time to time over the years. At first it would be mostly angry or hurtful thoughts, and as time passed, all the bad thoughts just went away. Granted, I had some other equally intense relationships in the meantime, some of which ended as badly or worse, but she was always different. The first really serious one. The one that got away. And I totally lost touch with her. For 20 years. Once, about 12 or 13 years ago, I talked to someone who had seen her or heard some news of her, but that was it. During one of my many moves over these many years, a few items surfaced. I found lots of photos of us, in some albums or in boxes and frames. This most recent move, I found a large plastic tupperware type box with around 200 "notes" she wrote me inside, in perfect condition, like they had been written yesterday. I read some of them. I'll probably get around to reading all of them, eventually. Oh, and there's a mixtape languishing in a box full of cassette tapes in the basement. I gotta fix one of my cassette players. Holy shit. Talk about a time warp.
Then, for reasons I don't fully understand, about a month ago it just popped into my head to search her name on Facebook. She has a fairly common last name, so I figured it was a crapshoot, and damn if she didn't pop right up. There it was, right in front of me. After 20 years. So I thought about it for a couple of days, and then I said fuck it, and clicked for a friend request. Next thing I know, we're talking to each other on Skype like nothing's changed. It felt great. In addition, she still looks great, while I have gotten old and grey.
To this day I cannot figure out how I have managed to get so many really attractive females into relationships with me. Could they all have poor eyesight? I've somehow managed to date 4 or 5 real hotties, as they say, and I don't get it. Not complaining, mind you, just curious.
Anyone who has seen or read High Fidelity will get this - over the last few years (before having read the book or seen the movie) I've gradually gotten in touch with, or patched things up with, or whatever you want to call it, with several of my ex's from through the years. For the most part, all of my serious relationships have been with people that I was really good friends with first. I'm not trying to make sense of a bad breakup like in the story, I just felt like I needed to make things right. Or at least try. And I've done alright - I'm 3 for 5. I was 3 for 4, but one of them has broken off contact with me without giving me a reason. And #5, well I'm not even going to try. I take full or partial responsibility for 1- 4, but #5 really was a lying, psycho bitch from hell, who blindsided my ass, so I'm not going to even make the effort. We're talking Satan's Daughter here. I'm not exaggerating. If she and a dog ran in front of my car, I'd swerve to miss the dog.
But the rest of them, I feel good about our relationships now, and I think they do too.
But this one, the one I've been talking about, this one has stuck in my head, and in my heart, for all these years. In the back of my mind. I'd drive through town, and past her old house, and think of her. Every time. When I used to spend a week in the old high school auditorium once a year, just walking through the building made me think of her. Marching band every Friday night, same thing. So spending that time talking - and that fucking Skype is an amazing thing - was just fucking outstanding. I probably sound like a tool, but I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and about 87% of the time it's come back to bite me in the ass, so just being able to catch up and shoot the shit? Fucking great. Like the song says, "time heals everything."
Seeing all the photos tonight, and going over all the good memories has made me really happy. I'm at peace. This one was the first really serious one, and one who I compared others to for quite a long time - and usually they came up lacking. We were best friends for a time, so knowing that we can be friends again is a great feeling.
With all the nasty shit going on in the world, it sure feels great to re-connect with old friends, especially ones who are so close to my heart. I might be dead ass broke and unemployed, but sometimes I feel like the luckiest man in the world.
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